Teenagers are masters at hiding what they don’t want others to see, especially when they’re hurting. If your family is navigating a custody dispute, it’s natural to worry about how the changes and stress might affect your teen’s mental health. But here’s the challenge: teens crave privacy and independence, even when they need support.
The key is to pay attention to signs of trauma without invading their space, giving them the respect they deserve as young adults while still ensuring they feel seen, heard, and cared for.
How Trauma Shows Up in Teenagers
Trauma doesn’t always look like crying or sadness. In teens, it often manifests in behaviors that parents may mistake for “normal teenage moods.” While some moodiness is part of adolescence, drastic changes in behavior or attitude, especially during or after custody disputes, can be a sign that something deeper is going on.
Common signs of trauma include:
- Withdrawal from family or friends: Spending more time alone or refusing to engage in activities they once loved.
- Anger and irritability: Lashing out unexpectedly or over small issues.
- Sudden changes in habits: Drastic shifts in sleep patterns, appetite, or school performance.
- Risky behaviors: Experimenting with substances, reckless driving, or self-harm as a coping mechanism.
- Emotional numbness: Acting detached, as if nothing bothers them, when they may be shutting down internally.
Tip: Look for patterns rather than isolated incidents. A single rough day might be normal teenage life, but a consistent decline in mood or behavior signals it’s time to step in.
Balancing Observation with Respect
Teens are not little kids! They’re on the cusp of adulthood, and they need to feel trusted and respected. Constantly asking “What’s wrong?” or digging through their personal belongings can backfire, making them feel cornered or misunderstood. Instead, observe quietly and look for moments to open the door gently.
For example, saying, “I noticed you’ve been spending more time in your room lately. Do you want to talk or just hang out?” can feel much more inviting than pressing for answers. If they don’t want to open up right away, let them know the door is always open.
When Behavior is a Cry for Help
Sometimes, trauma in teens comes out through loud signals rather than quiet ones. Risky behaviors such as drinking, vaping, or skipping school can often be a cry for help rather than defiance. Addressing the issue early is crucial!
Judges in family law courts want to see parents who recognize and respond to challenges with their children, not those who dismiss warning signs. This might include seeking professional help, documenting steps you’ve taken to support your teen, and being proactive about therapy.
How to Support a Teen Without Smothering Them
Teens need guidance, but they also need space to grow. Here’s how you can support them in a way that respects their autonomy:
- Offer, Don’t Force Conversations: Say things like, “I’m here if you want to talk,” rather than demanding they share.
- Be Present Without Hovering: Spend quality time together doing casual activities—like cooking dinner or watching a show—where conversation can happen naturally.
- Respect Their Privacy: Give them control over what they share from therapy or private conversations.
- Encourage Healthy Outlets: Support hobbies, sports, or creative outlets that give them positive ways to process emotions.
- Seek Outside Help When Needed: If you notice warning signs, suggest therapy as a resource, not as a punishment.
How Courts View Teen Behavior and Trauma
When teens exhibit signs of trauma, the court doesn’t just look at the behavior—they look at how the parents respond to it. Courts tend to favor parents who take mental health seriously, whether that means securing therapy, fostering positive family connections, or addressing risky behavior without harsh judgment.
How to and How Not to Approach a Teen in Distress
How to Approach:
- Listen More Than You Speak: Let them share feelings in their own time.
- Validate Their Emotions: Phrases like “I can see this is hard for you” build trust.
- Collaborate with Them: Ask what they need rather than assuming.
- Stay Calm and Supportive: Teens respond better to quiet understanding than to panic or frustration.
- Encourage Professional Help Gently: Frame therapy as a tool for strength, not as something “wrong” with them
How Not to Approach:
- Don’t Demand Answers: Avoid cornering them with questions like “Why are you acting like this?”
- Don’t Dismiss Their Feelings: Saying “You’ll get over it” can make them shut down.
- Don’t Make It About the Custody Case: Avoid tying their feelings to court matters. They need to feel safe from adult conflicts.
- Don’t Invade Their Privacy: Snooping through phones or journals can destroy trust.
- Don’t Ignore Warning Signs: Brushing off behavior changes can allow trauma to deepen.